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talking about temptation!

I always thought that P would be the bigest test of all, since there’s always something different airing between us when we’re face to face. (Others may find it unbelievable. True, I can’t quite understand it either. It doesnt seem right. A social butterfly, well sort of, like me and a sharp, serious looking nerd like him. People cant seem to acknowledge his charm.) So I told myself to limit my time alone with him. When encountering temptation, running away is the thing to do; not to face it like a fool and try to fight it. I think I’ve done okay so far. However, lately, I found myself literally fancying having an affair with Mr. d. Cos his constant sincere sounding adulation kinda made me head over heels and I’ve always liked to be liked. Plus, we have A LOT in common which got us closer to each other. But then, they’re all really nothing comparing to what honey and I have.

and now I realized how it’s possible that you have one great thing in your hand and still wanna play with other not so great but seem to be fun stuffs. and it is important that i dont become the kinda person that I despise.

11:57

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02/29/2008

I’m horrible

what am I even doing?

feeling jealous when he talks to other people instead of me. upset when he doesnt show enough interest in me. wanted to impress. but what the heck.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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11/27/2007

lori 真可愛

但最近都走天真濫漫路線, 這邊比較用不上.

因為無論如何, 我喜歡抱著選擇相信的態度, 我也不想惡毒對待他.

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09/07/2007

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m weak, I’m in pain and I had to deal with stupid people.

Work sucks!

come on, end this day.

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08/31/2007

男色! 太陰險了. Gagh!

還 記得那個已經忘記名字的男生, 用半甜的聲音唉求著 “留下來嘛…” 那一刻你幾乎就心軟了.更甭說你早就心動. 但時地不允, 你還是離開了. 畢竟你也知道, 他會用同樣醉人的聲音, 請下一個人留下幫忙. 但是那句話, 你仍放在心裡, 時不時拿出來咀嚼回味, 彷彿他只希望你一個人留下, 是私心.

然後今天一個還記得名字的他 (如果今天還能忘掉那真是太糟糕了), 一派光明正大地對你說, 我真的很希望你能來. 那個他, 有意無意總是會坐到你身邊, 對你的笑話總是最捧場地笑, 讓你差點都誤以為你是世界上最有趣的人了. 你很害怕啊. 一來你已經說要去賈賈辦的聖誕晚會了, 二來你很擔心這是他與他女友聯辦的派對, 但你又不便問清楚. 你很怕, 他那一句句溫潤卻又肯切的邀請只是習慣性的熱情, 你很怕, 那總比別人多一點的注意與笑容, 仍舊總結”只是0Temp朋友”. 但是你幾乎就被說服了… 只能說, 使用男色太陰險了啦!

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08/28/2007

If you wanna keep him

no need/use to show how good you are.

you have to show him how good a chance he’s got.

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06/10/2007

you must being fucking out of your mind

if you think i’d still consider you

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05/20/2007

i hate confrontation but i enjoy fighting.

i guess the difference is really… that if i know i’m not gonna lose you over this, i can fight to my hearts content but if i’m not certain of that, i hate every bit of chance that will bring a breach between us.

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03/30/2007

And

how much longer do i have to endure your crappy english?

and i for sure dont owe u an apology

u fucking cross the line first

i endure and endure and tolerate for this long

and finally i can’t take it anymore

and you blame me for my break down?

fuck you

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he’s making me nuts

I think he’s trying really hard to make me say “none of your business. fuck off, dude!” he’s been trying it for 4 days… for a freakin blog description i forgot to change. and just wouldn’t take the hint. and i finally lost it, but still, i managed not to say fuck off and its none of ur business cos i know it’d make him even more irritating. whining like a bitch.

grow up, be a man, would you. it’s so disgusting

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03/23/2007

give me a break

幹嘛啊… 偏要我出來賞你幾巴掌嗎?

小孩子要裝大人本來就是很可笑的事, 尤其是那小孩子其實已經老大不小的時候.

喝啤酒最好是會喝醉, 自以為醺個什麼勁啊…

啤酒是飲料又不是酒 -_-

在大庭廣眾之下借酒裝瘋不覺得丟臉嗎? 要嘛你也別告訴大家你喝的是啤酒.

grow up, will you?

Ergh

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01/10/2007

你是打著善良的旗子

不要露出馬腳了.

But I hate being a hypocrit… so you’ll just have to be sincerely kind. (while being mean)

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01/06/2007

pity

So he has a gf… I didn’t ask, I didn’t think. It doesn’t matter at all, that’s why. But still, I’d love to think that he’s kinda into me. Apparently not. pity.

It’s not like I’m gonna fall for him or something. He’s just someone who I met and can somehow make L jealous a bit. And he turned out to have a gf…. felt funny

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01/03/2007

難道

你以為我們是愛得死去活來的互相喜歡卻又被迫分離.

之前可能是吧,

但現在怎麼也不會是啊!

會不會想太多了.

(惡毒 L 再度重現江湖! 誰說只有你可以多重人格. 我只是不用這已經被太濫用的名罷了!)

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12/27/2006

好像越活越回去了

也許只是寂寞達到了頂點.

我好像大一那時候的自己, 非常非常非常想找個人在身邊. 一刻也等不了了.

忽然覺得自己的關係都很極端, 要嘛是朝夕相處要嘛是一年見一兩次面.

忽然不知道正常人的交往究竟是怎麼來.

不過話說回來, 沒有一定的規則必須遵守. 總是在溝通與互相體諒之中找到最好的相處之道吧.

這篇實在非常不適合放在這裡… o_O

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12/11/2006

Ach

當你盯著我的一舉一動時, 我正盯著他, 而他又盯著她. 至於她, 就不是我能知道的了.

這個世界!!

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it’s very enbarrassing

當我還在說服自己不再在乎你時, 你早已經開始為另外一個女生掙扎煩惱. 難堪之感油然而生, 然而回頭一望, 發現他也正為了我痛苦難當. 說報應太嚴厲, 卻又像可怕的輪流轉. 你怎麼對帶她, 另一個她就怎麼對待你.

難道說自己竟得在有誰為了我輾轉難眠之上獲得肯定?

找到自己的平衡與價值, 不再為別人牽扯高興而難過.

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funny

some said:

時間就像乳溝,擠一擠還是有的;機會就像老二,搓一搓就會變大;好奇心就像打槍,弄出來又不能自己吃掉;成就感就像做愛,沒道理會這麼爽啊!

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12/04/2006

Stop

reporting your movements to me!!!!

Grrr

It’s really annoying!

(Lori’s back!)

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08/12/2006

mode

I’m not in a welcoming mode. But on the second thought, it’s good to get my head out of something I kept thinking about, on and off. I tried to remember what it was like before, but I can’t. Thanks to my forgetfulness.

I might as well be clear. He is the guy who, I believe, has/had a thing for me. Not very big, maybe, but big enough for me to notice it. I’ve never got those things wrong. I may not have noticed at all, but if I do, it’s real. And yes, I have some interest in him too. So why didn’t we hit it off? Timing, of course. It’s always timing that matters. He met me a few months later than I met the ex-guy and he returned a few months later than I began to be with the almost-perfect man. (Hey, I’ve never met an almost-perfect man before, so don’t take me wrong and think I have any doubt in being with him except the fact that he’s not able to literately be with me.) No need to discuss the former situation here. It’s passed. The thing is, I like the company, but not enough to change the photo on my cell phone. He’s a guy I know we could have a good, polite, flirty maybe, time, but not the one I’d dream of spending the rest of my life with, like the 7th guy in junior year. So the problem here is that I’m not single and a really nice, fun flirtation will be really nice which I won’t allow myself to do.

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06/20/2006

What should I do?

I love him so much when I love him and I despise him so much when I hate him. Keep him or dump him?

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06/15/2006

Go Croatia

I’ve taken down my 2006FIFA World Cup Croatia Theme for my stupid boyfriend. He just cannot handle it. Stupid. That pathetic confidence lacking little sxxt pisses me off.

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06/13/2006

dream

dreamt of ma, but don’t remember a thing except ma was in it. dreamt of ms.Q finding out that I’ve been reading her blog and she wrote a post or 2 on her forum(!?) saying “I know you’re reading, miss lori. Stop reading my blog!” and listed ip address and the URL of “my” blog she traced. but that was obviously not my blog. so i stopped worrying which didn’t really make sense, but hey it’s just a stupid dream. I’m too tired lately.

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06/04/2006

I

I just cannot take it when someone who used to see me as his whole world don’t see me that way anymore. I’m totally fine with their pursuing other women but worshiping other women and forgetting all about me is a whole different story.

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03/12/2006

relationship

i’m not ready yet i suppose (ever)

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then again

then again…. isn’t it nice to have someone strong enough to fight back? you know in fact i wasn’t really offended by his cursing. As rude and brutal as i am. I was just pissed (first) and also amazed that how can he get pissed so easily (perhaps not faster than i do though)

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Ridiculous

又不是對你講的,講了你聽不懂我又有什麼辦法!? 你笨是我的錯了喔? 又不是不知道我討厭無知的人。真是莫名其妙。每天一直問問問問問,像總是不安習慣被拋棄的流浪狗一樣。Get a life,be a man, will you?

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01/27/2006

Long time no blog

I was in the process of getting rid of my feeling toward him. (It’s a long, ugly, stinky process.) For the past few months, I refused to see things related to him, I tried not to think of him, not to talk about him (though I cannot stop people from asking me how he’s doing… “Why the heck should I know!?” I’d scream in my heart, but then they all just see how good friends we were and didn’t know what really happened.) I stop writing the blog I kept for him, and hence I don’t come here very often either. I’m alright now. I think I didn’t end up leaving ugly scars on my wounds as I expected. I’ve survived somehow. Now I’m in the stage of feeling shame about that past. It’s normal for me, and I think I’ll grow pass it someday, but then it was really a kind of blemish in my own history. I always think it’s low to “love” someone so much without receiving sufficient response. It’s an attitude I have to change. But it’s always humiliating for one if you put too much affection when your love one’s still hesitating, isn’t it? When I got out of it, I despise myself for being so pitiful, but I didn’t erase the “evidence” cuz it’s all me, it’s part of me, it’s what made me me. I guess I have to admit that having someone beside me does help, but I refuse to think you as merely a substitude. You’ve always had a place in my heart, and I cherish you so much. We understand each other (mostly), and I don’t have to be alert all the time (careful about what I say and act) being with you. We share similar ideas of being a couple, to help each other, to cheer each other, to grow up and grow old together. And I like that you think 😉

alas, this is not a dark one at all.

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10/11/2005

29th Promises

yeah… allow me to be bitter just one more time. He’s not a man who keeps his promises!!!!! I dont know what he promised you, but I hope he’ll break those he made to you like he broke those he made to me. I suppose he has already. Hope you soon find out one by another! I hope you break… like me.

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09/27/2005

Now

work on being special. not just a good friend of yours. but a special one. am already special in some way, but have to emphasize the uniqueness and irreplacibility. not a pal though. a warm smart considerate thoughtful sweet kindred spirit. come to me when you seek comfort. share your life with me all the fun joy anger frustration. you can talk to me about anything except… i’ll be there for you

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09/20/2005

28th relationship?

Why are you still talking about relationship? I just dont get it. Arent you supposed to be “out of” a relationship now? Dont tell me that you’re still in one. (in mine…) I’ll take that you’re in another now, but I dont think you’re the kind of person who let go and fall agani that easily. Stop confusing me would you? Whyu can you just tell the world that you’ve broken up. That way I dont have to wait for him to tell me… Well, i’m just saying… I dont really mean it. But I’m truly bothered by the situation I’m in now. I dont know if I should be happy or angry. and now I’m half happy and half angry. It’s awful… it’s such a waste if I should be happy, and it’s a humiliation if I should be angry…

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27th emotional?

You cant blame me for acting emotionally like a nuts every 3 or 4 days. If you made me feel secure… Alas, i dont even wanna talk anymore. It’s rainy outside, makes my mood even worse.

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09/19/2005

26th gf!?

you know what pisses me off the most? You still refered her as “your gf”. Come on… “I” am your gf ok? You’re treating me as your gf already. You talked to me like I’m ur gf. It’s already passed flirting stage. Dont you know that you dont even have the right to flirt with me if you still havent broken up with her. How dare you. Now I know why I was so hurt and angry!!! But the past few days, i was again encouraged by the way you treated me. Is it another fantasy you weaved? Can I trust you or not? Damn I’m happy when I’m with you and when I’m not, when my head’s clearer and I can think straight, I’m confused.

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09/15/2005

25th paid off?!

paid off my ass. how can i be so fucking naive to think that holding me in your arms and those kisses actually mean something more than a summer fling. Fling. I learned the word not long ago, and i wasn’t sure about the definition, so I look it up in the webdict and darn… it’s so fucking precise to use it here. “A brief period of indulging one’s impulses.” “A brief sexual or romantic relationship.” brief brief brief and impulse. Damn it! You’re hurting me so badly, and the worst thing is that I’m not able to be mad at you. I’m mad at myself, mad at this situation, but not at you. I couldn’t scold you. Not even behind your back. I just can’t. I’m just a summer fling!? Oh my, I really wanna crash my head into the wall. I guess I AM retarded emotion-wise. You said that perhaps you’re like that, follow your impulse and don’t care about how others feel. At the time, I thought, “it’s ok,” cuz I kinda like your “impulse”. But now I finally realized that your “impulse” really hurts. And gee, when she asked me to take care of myself that she doesnt wanna see me get hurt, I thought, “nah… I’ll be fine.” and now I’m hurt. so stupid. how can i be so fucking stupid? i really thought that you’ve made up your mind that you’re going to be with me. You know, cuz you spent almost every single day with me and you take my hand, you hug me and kiss me. Doesn’t it mean anything to you? I mean, more than just an impulse. well, impulses… 😦

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09/14/2005

24th r u fking kidding me?!

I’m thinking… what if your answer is still the same this time… “I love my gf very very much.” what will my response be?

Well I guess this time it’ll be very very different:
Are you fucking kidding me?! You call this “you love your gf very much?” Come on. If you do, why do you spend every single evening with me? Why do you hold me in your arms like you’re afraid to lose me? Why do you kiss me like you wanna to cherish me so much? Why do you say dreaming of me is a beautiful thing? If you do love her, what the fuck are you doing here with me? You know I hate to question you. I hate to doubt your seemingly so-falling in love with me. But why the fuck do you still have her photo with you? You can’t blame me for being peevish today can you? I just dont get you! Cant you for once make yourself clear? Dont make me hate you my love. I so want everything to work out between us

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23rd used?

dont ever let me find out that you’re merely using me

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22nd careful!

i guess we’re still different in ways
it’s just that i refused to see, refused to admit when i was head over heals for you
it’s funny how i work
once i’m almost sure that i have you
i begin instantly to value you less
still i care about you, still i love(?) you
but now i allow myself to question you
to see the flaws in you

though i think it important to enjoy life
it doesnt count if you don’t “live” your life
still i take life seriously
i think about the future
and i make decisions based on present and the future

as for you, i’m not sure
you’re pursuing the happiness of life
but to what degree? how many aspects do you take into consideration?
i care about what you wanna do with your life
but most of all, i care about what you wanna do with me
i won’t allow that you’re only thinking about
“nah… it’s only a couple of days left. it wouldnt hurt to play around.”
i dont know what i’d do
but i know i’m capable of lots of things

you know what?
sometimes i can’t help but wanting to threaten (tell) you that
if you dare to hurt me, to break my heart
there are lots of people who would kick your ass for that
i’m so very loved and cherished
guys’d die to be in your position
and you must be losing your mind to push such precious thing away
but then, guys! who knows what they’re thinking.

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09/13/2005

Plain

well well well, look who’s here. it seems that the bitterness of last week miraculously paid off. it’s like being converted to another form of energy and did the magic work. a-ma-zing!

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09/07/2005

21st pushy

i have to be happy and not pushy. it’s so fucking hard man. but to think of it, all i want is to get as much of your time as possible. do i lose the original desire just to be with you and turn it in to some kind of competition? but damn i hate that you still dont wanna leave her. what does that make me? such a loser

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09/06/2005

20th i hate

that you still with her publicly. that makes me like a mistress. but there’s no way i’m one or i’m gonna be one. open your eyes and look at whom you’re talking to. it’s me. i’m popular. i am at least 1/4 guys’ dream. do you actually think that i’d condescend myself to be your secret lover or backup you turn to when you’re lonely? make up your mind man. though i will be waiting (sadly i still can’t leave you), you’re hurting one precsious soul and creative, lovely, adorable spirit. someday i’d use up all my patience, or i’d be simply wounded too badly to wait for you. you’d regret it. cuz i’m so damn uniquely awesome. how lucky you are to have ME falling in love with you. Yes, falling in love. I think I AM falling in love with you.

21:30

08/29/2005

Will i grow to hate you?

there’s this possibility. cuz u make me suffer…

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08/27/2005

Hun

you let me down… how am i supposed to know how you’re doing if you dont say anything? dont disappoint me would you?

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08/26/2005

What i’m afraid of is

though you keep saying how disappointed you are. you still havent given up on him. the reason why you’re upset was not becuz you sensed something (well probably you did) but mainly becuz he made a confession to you and repented (gee no!) and now you’re still together supposingly happy. but then, he either is retreating in this battlefield or he’s trying to get the best of both worlds. none of both sounds good to me. darn.

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08/24/2005

I deeply hope…

the more bitter articles about relationship you post, the happier I shall be. So plz plz plz… make me happy. I cant imagine what i would do/be if u get back together… >< plz…

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08/21/2005

19th unsure

seeing your blog with smiles makes me down, even before i know what its about. read on, and i cant help but wonder if he confess or not. i cant really tell. since i’m very good at read too much into things. still it makes my heart ache cuz it’s him-related. does he worth it? does he worth 2 heartaches? people keep asking me this. but when i’m stubborn. i dont care if he’s worth it. i just want what i want. so are you takling to me? do you know i watch? the timing also frightens me. where were you? this is sure bizarre, and yeah, part of it is my fault. i guess i’m now one toe out of it but still need to work on the rest. i dont know. if he finally decides to step in while i’m one toe left inside? wow, this is the trouble i made.

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08/20/2005

18th Of course

who are you kidding? Of course there’s nothing new on her blog. she must be with him!!!!!! how’s it possible that she’d have time to write anything bitter such as he doesn’t love her anymore or neglect her and whatnot. you should be glad that you didnt see anything sweet that will tear you into pieces. be content!

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08/19/2005

Honey

i have a feeling that i’m being stepped on. should i flip him over? or should i try to get a hold of his the other leg?

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08/18/2005

17th Hey you

you disappointed me, hun. You should discard him you know. (and i’ll take over (shy)) when i saw there was a new article on ur blog, i was so excited (and anxious… i was afraid i’d read something happy. that will break my heart.) You bring up a eveil me you know. cuz i guess you’re like me. we both like to act strong. even if we get hurt really badly. we’d act like nothing’s happened. and that’s our weakness. cuz man tends to pity/cherish the weak, the vulnerable. but this time, i didn’t try to act vulnerable in front of him. I just am. so dont blame me… it’s not a stratagy or something. we’ll just have to wait and see. But you know, you’re in a position of less advantage. how do i know? i’ve been there honey. cuz you got the right to be angry. so you’ll be angry. and remember, you said it yourself. they dont like to face the angry you. anyway, i should stop now. i cant even take this myself if i go on.

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08/17/2005

16th he’s the lucky one?

so u’r thinking, “how come is he so fucking lucky that two(or more?) women love him wholeheartedly?” But then you look at yourself, remember that there were plenty of men loved(love?) you very very much as well. Did you consider yourself lucky? you’re grateful of course, but sometimes you probably just feel troublesome. So he might be feeling the same as you did. Troubled. And gee it’d be such a humiliation that your love become a trouble to the one you love. you’re in a situation that no matter what you do, you’ll get hurt, one way or another. There’s no way you can keep yourself from getting hurt. It’s like you volunteeringly enter a narrow room filled with knifes, and yes there are options, but no matter which way you choose, you’ll get cut. It’s only a matter of legs or arms. And you have to get thru. cuz the walls keep crashing in. if only there’s a hand grab me out of the box…

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08/16/2005

I’m so fxxking lucky

to have fallen in love with you. I won’t say that yesterday was the happiest day of my life. That’d be too affected. But I sure was very happy (though painful at the begining and during the conversation.) And I’m so glad that it is YOU that I’ve fallen in love with. You’re such a right guy. and dont be too harsh on yourself. I do know a way or two to make myself somewhat hard to resist. You’ve already frustrated me very much. Don’t blame yourself too much for not able to control yourself and held me in your arms that night. You’re an awesome man. It’s just that I’m too wicked. and forgive me that I cant say this to you. i can’t take you looking down upon me and look at me with disgust. 😦 I’m really sorry about that. I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you’re a lousy person. Because you’re not. You’re really great.

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08/15/2005

😦

I am hungry, but i dont wanna eat anything. I cant stand the fact that I keep losing weight. I look enough like a ghost already. but i just dont have the mood for food… =( Cant blame it on the weather this time.

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You really made me wanna cry

might be a good thing. i was wondering why this relationship (if we can call it one) doesn’t make me wanna cry.

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Perhaps this is better?

(i’m having a constant heartache)

You having done the thing you did seems to qualify me to confront you with our relationship. But damn now you say you’re coming. you rarly do. and now it’s the time i wanna avoid you, at least for the moment.

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Weird

I wanna see you and I wanna hide away from you. It’s another whole new experience for me. I’ve never imagined that i’d ever wanna get away from the one i really really like. Maybe I just dont wanna face the reality, dont wanna do what i have to do. And btw, I really really hate to hear you say I’m sorry to me.

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Really

I dont want you to leave her for me. I wanna end this. I just need to tell you how I feel, how I’ve been feeling and thinking. This one is for me.

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Complicated

Things have evolved to a whole new level. I dont even know where to start. I am angry, but not the usual kind. I feel sad at the same time. I know what to do but i’m not sure how. I am afraid that I might ruin this chance to be total honest with myself. I am afraid that I cannot express myself well. Last night i was almost furious, but he showed me another angle to look at things. I realized that i tend to believe the worst (which is also a self-defense mechenism. Expect low, fall low.) Things might not be the way I thought. There are still other possiblities that’d never come to me. And fragments of my memory came back piece by piece. I suspected this and that but none of them I can be sure of. Perhaps you wanted to talk to me that morning, but I showed up with others and that hindered you. And maybe you were just too tired to do anything, which I can understand as well. So, I shouldn’t blame you for not having said anything, at least not yet. You might just didn’t have the oppertunity. And I hope you share the same feeling with me that I don’t wanna “solve” this on the phone or by IM. This is so important to me that I really wanna talk to you face to face, with all my heart. And now finally, I’ve got a feeling of tears.

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08/12/2005

Changed

Did something change between us after last night? I’m not talking about him and me (we just stuck there. unfortunately) but us. But to think of it, things between us started no more than a week. That’s still unbelievable for me. Is there really anything between us? Ah I know! this must be the so-called instant fling or something. i’m never for those. Anyway, this may be better. I shouldnt be falling for you and you should collect yourself and find someone of your own age and own rank. you’re adorable but i dare not accept your feelings toward me.

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15th Grrrr

So you’re not tempted at all??????? Then I’m really a Loser. You probably see me as a guy friend. Should I cry?

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14th You!

I really dont like it. Last night i was with him (very innocent, plz.) It was all that i wanted. Quiet quality(?) time, just the two of us. We were able to talk, chat and share. Or just lying there shoulder by shoulder. And you! I cant stop thinking about you! I was worried if you tried to call me and realized it wouldn’t get thru. Would you get mad (at me)? Would you get upset? Even worse, i miss talking to you. I cant stop thinking about how sweet, how cute you are, and how you really like me so much. i cant fall for you but still you made me not being able to enjoy my moment with him. That sucks. I’m like losing both sides.

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I’m pretty calm right now

so no bitterness today (well, maybe later.) I found myseld not minding asking her to join us, to intrude our private moment cuz i was finally forced to face the fact that there’s this other/real/huge enemy who makes her like harmless at all. And becuz that monsterous kind gal is coming back, i’m pulling back my feelings as well (i suppose.) Anyway, she sounds like a really nice girl and treats you very very good. I dont think you’d leave her for me. and I’m not sure if i want you to leave her for me as well. Such a no-brainer, right? A girl who tends you well and a girl who’s fun, smart, straight forward, sometimes thoughtful, and think you very very special, who will you choose? She, of course. But I’m a little frustrated. Aren’t you at least a bit tempted?

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08/11/2005

Ai-Mae

He said, if he doesn’t have a gf, you wouldn’t be able to “enjoy” this vague relationship you have now. I disagreed. But then, if it’s not becuz he’s already had a gf, who wouldn’t think we a couple since we go out every single day (just by ourselves or with other people.) But EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past month! (minus a couple of weekends he went out of town.)  I can’t help but simling when I think of it. An entire month!

How do they say Ai-Mae in English anyway? Well… they probably don’t have such thing in their culture i figured.

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08/10/2005

I dont like it

you distract me. but you’re sometimes my comfort. sometimes i do can use a distraction. but i dont like the possibility that i’m using you. i figure you’d think of the same thing as well. so you might try harder. act spoiled. but part of the reason i ended my relationship with him was to get rid of this bizarre situation entangeld with more than 2 people. (well, i cant get rid of the one on his side but at least i can take care of myself.) but then you show up. with overwhelming affection (which came out of nowhere if you dont mind me add this) toward me. i’m in this bittersweet not-even-valid-for-a-relationship relationship in which the bitterness almost consumes me sometimes, and your extra sweetness warms me and keeps me from neverending flower-eating and bitching. but i still suffer, in a different way but still. and i hate breaking your heart. and i’m also afraid that i’ll get hurt by both of you at the end. no… i can allow myself to have a backup or a sweet-talk pillow. and i dont like it at all that i spare some time to think of you instead of him. this has to end.

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13th you wish

there are a hundred million of problems between them. actually a hundred or half will do. in fact, just a big one will do. please please please… you said in your heart.

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12th how efficient the system is

she filed a complaint a week ago, and it’s processed right away. Dont deny it. I can feel that. But I dont know what the indifference last night was about. Is it that you were happy being with me but then you felt guilty about it? that’s too lame, hun. if you dare to enjoy it, dont take it on me.

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11th hard to get

So afterall the key is still to play hard to get. Yaks… why do i come to the same conclusion as hers? But hey, I don’t take his indifference for real. He must be playing with me, right?

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08/09/2005

10th calculate?

Do you also calculate? I thought you dont do such thing. I trust you to be of little 城府. But perhaps i’m wronged. I did notice that you removed the pics before you write something. There may be other good explanation for that but i’d rather believe you did that becuz i might see it. Then should i be happy or not? If so, i guess you do more or less care about me but that also means you were thinking something you shouldn’t have. well, i can only hope it was a subconscious act.

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9th continued

even if there were some problems, it might have been solved already. Since she filed the complaint last week and remember how he treated you last week? different! Maybe he repented and made some promises. That sucks. Anyways, i’d rather he staying with her instead of going after her2, or it will be so very humiliating.

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08/08/2005

9th enough self-deceiving

dont be content just becuz you thought you saw something to your advantage. dont forget, he still talks about her all the time (well, i’m exaggerating but it’s frequent enough to make me go crazy), so either it’s not as bad as i assume/hope (which means I hardly stand a chance) or he’s playing the game. Both of them are not good. You can easily see the first one, but for the latter, if he’s really like that, i don’t think i’d appreciate him as much. that’s way too low.

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8th the meanness

hey girl you’re wrong. it’s not like that. i did come to him instead of acting indifferent to arouse his interest/curiosity or whatnot. i didn’t play hard to get, therefore, your theory doesn’t stand, honey. Why am i this sure? cuz we’re talking about the same guy. i do believe that guys (at least some) do cherish, but sometimes it’s in him, it’s just that the person is not right (unfortunately). and i’m determined to be the right one. for him

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I’m in such a fking great mood right now

plus a headache.

maybe it’s the headache that made me bitter but maybe it’s you

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7th awesome

You know he likes you so you avoid mentioning other men’s name. He doesn’t know you have a crush on him, so he keeps on talking about her, and asking her what she like and whatnot instead of asking you. Lovely

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6th no importance

me again! You know i’d rather not have to come here to spill my bitterness, but you made me… i hate you for that (but I dont really hate you, you know… how pathetic) Why do you always have to ask her instead of me? Where to go, let her decide… What to eat, let her decide. What am i? Nothing? What I prefer doesn’t matter to you, whether I’d get cold is none of your concern. Good. Dont talk to me then. I dont fucking care what you two’re gonna do. I just regret that I returned the DVD too early or I can actually finish it tonight. You’re the center of my world now and you rotate around her. pardon my French but WTF. You said it like it’s the way it oughtta be. “Wait til she decides… she said she’s gonna think about it.” Great. I’m of the tiniest importance here. F that! You asked whether we’ll go do some sport tonight, I answered “alright!” even though i’m fking tired and having a minor headache. But hey, who the hell do I think I am? I’m not your concern at all… It’s her you’ve been talking about, and it’s her you tend. Damn you for that. It’ll kill me if you leave her for her instead of me. But then, if so, I shouldn’t really care… cuz clearly, damn, you dont have an eye.

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5th Stop It

The thing is, even if I do get him some way or another, I can’t really take him. Cuz i know I can’t take the pressure. The “public opinion” so to speak. It horrifies me. What would it make me? I’ll be dispised and I won’t allow that to happen. Then he shall be sacrificed? The chance between us shall be sacrificed? What a pity. So the best thing to do is allowed time to pass and wait for a while. See if there will be a better timing. But my heart still delighted to know that there is a possibility that there’s a problem between them

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08/07/2005

Flirt

To tell the truth, i really like flirting
and finally today i allowed myself to flirt with him
cuz i really like the feeling
and it hurts so much thinking about you
i want something to distract my attention

not fair to him, i know
and not fair to my feelings towards you
and i do enjoy it

but in the mean time, i still thought of you from time to time
your image’s printed clearly on my heart that I can’t easily ignore.
so I’ll take both you and him in my dream
though i wonder whom I would think of more

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08/06/2005

4th above average

It’s such a painful realization not having above-average appearance. Especially when I’m with you. I feel small standing next to you.

But I’m never not-good-enough you know. It’s just sometimes hard not having the look. (dont have to kill but at least to be tempting…)

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08/05/2005

1st is revoked

so i guess i should say something when I felt cold
hey but why did you ask her and not ask me?
the only thing i did wrong was to expect you to show some care for me
damn wrong
i should take care of myself
i know. that’s survival rule number one.
But man how could you see me freezing over there and said nothing?
you’ve seen thru me? okay… you won.
err… why do i still feel the hate?

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08/04/2005

Pity

pity that i cant write like….what’s her name, Christina? a whole page of why she hates for husband everyday.

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3rd you got more than you asked for

Sometimes i just cant help to be mean.

but the sad thing is i cant even show it cuz i care damn too much about what others think of me. (and Bill still hates me for no reason. Damn)

When you asked if I can take you back, you tried to acted as easy as possible. A cruel thought came up but i cant allow myself to say it.
You asked for a year and you got 3. What are you still grumbling about?
Be content man.
You have my precious, never-gonna-return, young and seet 3 years.

You should’ve asked for a lifetime.
Do you regret?

So i say, dream big, sisters!
at least it wouldn’t be a break-up excuse. (?)

anyway, i still appreciate you.
and i know you’re awesome, but i’m sorry that i dont feel for you anymore. So i let go. Be glad, you’re the first one i had the courage to let go. though you may not see the importance of it now (and you might never understand) it really mean quite a lot to me.

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Surprised

i was surprised to find a comment right after i created this blog and post some oppressed thoughts.
the reason i went back is becuz i thought of seomthing that i can’t spread on the surface.

i’m glad that at least it’s not spam (or it’d be outrageous)
though mr.T misuderstood me. my bad, i admit. i was too ambiguous.

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3rd how pathetic

I can’t think of the third thing that you made me mad…
cuz i’m too damn crazy for you

loser

i’m talking about myself.

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2nd this one is for you

Don’t like my keep mentioning my gf? Bite me!
I have a gf and that’s a fact. Long before you knew me
and you knew it before you fell for me
I have every right to talk about my gf anytime I want
so take off your stinky face and be a man… well, woman.

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1st Damn you

I shall post the lastest one as the first cuz my “hatred” towards this thing is the highest now.

How could you ask her whether she’s cold or not but not ask me while she had already had her warm long wool jacket on her and I wore little.
And now I have to drink this strange (but nice, ok, i admit.) spicy ginger honey water to prevent my minor illness from really becoming a serious endless coughing flu. And I even bought you lunch today!
What the heck was I thinking man! I shouldn’t endure this even if I’m in love with you. Damn! And I was so worried about you last night. Stupid stupid me!
Don’t you ever show your excessive care about other girls and ignore me!

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Dark side of the Sun

I dont know how long this blog will last
i might as well quickly forget the account name and password

but in short
this is a blog to dispose my dark thoughts
which should never be discovered

heaven knows how many “storage” places i have now
and now i still have to start fresh anonymously
so that i can post whatever is really on mind without worrying people i know might see

I should just throw these thoughts into outer space
(which is not too far from what i’m doing now
since in the near future i might totally forget about this blog)
but man sometimes i just enjoy my own writing so much
especially the darker ones.

15:57

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